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Pretty Girl Can't Take My Eyes off of You Time Machine Story of a Girl I Won't Be Left I Won't Be Left
you are wonderful
1. I am SO good at my unpaid job.

day one hundred ninety-three: still awake

day two hundred eleven: bang cut

day two hundred seven: childish

I have a seven page paper due tomorrow. I haven't really started it.
Falling for the First Time | Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
so I want to stalk you on twitter.

tell me how to do that.

i.e. usernames. so I don't look like a crazy Rainn Wilson groupie/stalker freak.


also I am lonely.
Testing 1, 2, 3.. 2 | Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
I can't handle this.

I don't know who to talk to.
Testing 1, 2, 3.. 2 | Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
..so of course it is about me. I am anxious constantly. I am stressed out constantly. I need some sort of release and I can't figure that out. I got really fucking drunk on Wednesday night, which was a neutral idea. I have given up pot smoking because the weed hangover is basically me being really depressed, which I don't need.

Oh, I am visiting New College currently, mostly so I can turn in my ISP form. It is on the gendered perceptions of purity and promiscuity. If you are approximately of college age and want to help me out, the survey will be ready in about a week and you can take it.

I am so tired and I want coffee and basically just to be sitting at Starbucks where it is always breezy writing this goddamn survey and giving it to strangers.
So tired. I might fall asleep for an hour cause then my meeting is happening.

OH p.s. even in my glasses I am blind now, so I guess I need to get a blind person prescription. I wish I had decent eyesight.

P.P.S. PORN WILL RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Some magazine told me so. Another magazine told me how to cheat on my girlfriend without getting caught. Quality reading, let me tell you.
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
Michelle gave this list opportunity to me. Lists calm me down. This has been a rough vacation.
2008 was technically more depressing than my first year of college but it still felt betterCollapse )
Falling for the First Time | Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
I am going to stop drinking, for one. What a failure of me to do anything functionally. I need a non-mind-altering escape but books and movies don't work and I can't sleep. Oh, and I am not drunk now, I just recognize that I am so fucked up with something I don't remember how I was going to phrase this but I hope the idea is there. I also fear alcoholism, so yeah.

I think coming back to Orlando was a mistake. There have been four times when I have been happy and none of them have been in this house. I can't be in this house. I can't be with these people. I cannot tell these people anything but then they make me feel so guilty for not so I do and it always is a mistake.

I got a ticket Monday night. I didn't know then that it would be completely worth it because that was one of the four times I was happy. It's 231 dollars. I can't afford this. My parents are of course furious and not just about this but in general to the point that I do not even know what is going on. I do not know what I am being yelled at for anymore. I know where I could be happy right now but I can't go there and I wish I could make myself happy but I am just not capable of that right now.

I need somewhere else to live but that is something else that I cannot afford. I absolutely cannot be in this house, as it is really not healthy for me. Also I cannot actually live somewhere else because my sister and I share my car and she takes precedence over me it seems.

It is wholly ridiculous how much everything hurts. I have been taking my medication, so I actually cannot blame bipolar this time.

My hair looks pretty today though.
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
...to go home. Currently I am taking a break from pacing my room because I want to pack so badly but I still need to get a box and I need to pack the box before my suitcases; oh god I really just want my things all boxed up and waiting for me to say when. I want to sell all my school books. I want to donate the bag of stuff I don't want to bring with me. I want to take my cupcake poster thing off the wall. I'm just itching to do all of these things and have my life packed away. I know being home won't be wonderful. I know my family is the same as always and I think only I have changed. Maybe I'm the same too. I am definitely going to miss my best Rhode Island friend who really gets the bipolar and who likes all the same things as I do. And I'll miss going downtown and fucking around. But thinking about driving actually makes me smile. I want to go to the few places that I like in Orlando and I really can't wait to see the few people that I like in Orlando (there are three that do not live in my house, more if you count the Marshall parents and animals, too). Oh I also want to abandon all of the things I am not taking with me or doing anything with.

day one hundred twenty-two: all the snow ever
This is what I look like on a rock in the snow.
Falling for the First Time | Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
If I would just take my medication consistently, I would probably be an okay person. I need to grow the fuck up and do that. I need to get the fuck over worrying that I am going to run out and just take it because it makes me feel better. I need to stop preferring escapism to actually fixing the fucking problem because that is so goddamn childish. I am so disappointed in myself.

Be a fucking adult, Scarlett. I just need to fucking accept that there is nothing I can do about a fucking chemical imbalance except for take the drugs. I know they're oppressive and it's all so fucking tragic, but seriously. Step it the fuck up.

No, I am not too hard on myself. I am seriously fucking up with my mental health here, which is inexcusable.
Falling for the First Time | Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
My sweater is so cozy. I am going to this show tonight. I will make up a Minnie Mouse costume because I have polka-dot shoes and a red sweater and bow earrings. That is effort. SERIOUSLY. I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD FOR TWO WHOLE MINUTES ABOUT THIS.

Whatever. I'm pretty. My favorite teacher affirmed that I didn't overreact to a grossly misogynistic script just because everyone's an assssshole and my screenwriting teacher told me that that was not an acceptable way to comment (the way I did). So now I feel excellent about it because he is the smartest person I have met at this godforsaken school. Nobody else gives a fuck about anything. No one cares about racism or sexism. Even my friend who majors in women's studies only talks about riot grrrl music and bitch magazine, and when I try to talk about anything real it's like I am talking to myself. Anyhow, I guess I just want my overly pretentious academic talks with my friends back. I really cannot wait to go home, where people at least pretend to care about things that matter.

I'm home from Halloween and ate half a bagel and egg white that I had left over from breakfast. Really interesting stuff. Also going into the movie of my life.

Happy November. I have a paper due at eight pm tomorrow that I haven't started and will apparently do hungover, though hopefully not.

day eighty-four: weirdo face
I Am a Very Blurry Girl

Update because you care: I am not hungover, just very, very sleepy. And have like half of the work for this thing done. I really want to go back to sleep though.

Becky: this paper's song is "Vintage People" by Eisley, if you want to pretend we share a room again.
Edit: Actually Becky, it was "Here" by Woodale, since I forwent the computer and I don't have "Vintage People" on my ipod.

Becky loves me.
Falling for the First Time | Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me
You know, exhaustion. I sleep poorly in general.


Testing 1, 2, 3.. 4 | Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me