you are wonderful

update on scarlett

2009-04-20T07:16:14Z

-I have a headache
-I feel like this semester is all fucked up because I can't focus or sleep
-I am in therapy
--I blame myself for any relationship failure
-My thesis is a mess and I don't have my prospectus turned in
-I can't get the old ladies I need to interview to call me back
-I don't have a job for this summer
-I want to just fucking graduate already
-I need a job so badly
-I am having a panic attack in the middle of the night
-the film festival was fine
-I had the stomach flu from Rachel
-I keep getting these horrible headaches and I don't know why. Probably from not sleeping.

Lately

2009-03-20T00:59:42Z

1. I am SO good at my unpaid job.

I have a seven page paper due tomorrow. I haven't really started it.

more useless than usual

2009-02-23T07:28:15Z

so I want to stalk you on twitter.

tell me how to do that.

i.e. usernames. so I don't look like a crazy Rainn Wilson groupie/stalker freak.

ALL ABOUT APPEARANCES.

also I am lonely.

um

2009-02-07T19:12:44Z

I can't handle this.

I don't know who to talk to.

Okay this is fucking stupid

2009-01-09T17:47:26Z

..so of course it is about me. I am anxious constantly. I am stressed out constantly. I need some sort of release and I can't figure that out. I got really fucking drunk on Wednesday night, which was a neutral idea. I have given up pot smoking because the weed hangover is basically me being really depressed, which I don't need.

Oh, I am visiting New College currently, mostly so I can turn in my ISP form. It is on the gendered perceptions of purity and promiscuity. If you are approximately of college age and want to help me out, the survey will be ready in about a week and you can take it.

I am so tired and I want coffee and basically just to be sitting at Starbucks where it is always breezy writing this goddamn survey and giving it to strangers.
So tired. I might fall asleep for an hour cause then my meeting is happening.

OH p.s. even in my glasses I am blind now, so I guess I need to get a blind person prescription. I wish I had decent eyesight.

P.P.S. PORN WILL RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Some magazine told me so. Another magazine told me how to cheat on my girlfriend without getting caught. Quality reading, let me tell you.

I am made of wax and sparkles

2008-12-31T17:41:45Z

Michelle gave this list opportunity to me. Lists calm me down. This has been a rough vacation.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
LOTS OF THINGS. I am going to say "went to Paris" for simplicity, however,

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made any but I really can't remember. This year I want to eat a vegetable every day (yeah, I don't even do that).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandma's dog? I guess not.

5. What countries did you visit?
France, United Kingdom

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I also want a job. Other stuff I don't want to talk about.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 22- my niece was born. Others I don't want to talk about.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I guess figuring out that one of my medications was making me more depressed. I don't think I achieved a lot this year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I did not get along with my therapist and stopped going.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I cracked my tooth and got a root canal, but in 2007 my ovary was taken out! WAY COOLER STORY.

11. What were the best things you bought?
I cannot mention it it's indecent and I haven't been able to use it yet.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Becky and Chad are the only people I love. That is a lie. Whatever.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
PLEASE I AM NOT TELLING (a jackass who goes to my school)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Medication. The last four months my insurance was fucked so I spent about $270/month on drugs to keep me from killing myself or going all anemic/pregnant. Luckily I should be getting a lot of this money back.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Photography. Boys. Feminism.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Fuck Nicole" by The Teenagers because I listened to it the whole way on the plane to Paris. Also lots of other stuff.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I don't know
ii. thinner or fatter? I think thinner but maybe not anymore
iii. richer or poorer? I am way more stressed over my ability to pay for things.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Dealing with things like a functional human being.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Stressing that I am a crazy freak who cannot relate to anyone.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I ate Chinese food and watched Ugly Betty with my father

21. How will you be spending New Year's?
Really fucking drunk

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I don't think so.

23. How many one-night stands?
Interestingly enough, none.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Bones? I only watch TV on DVD so it isn't even relevant.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate my Rhode Island roommates anymore, but three weeks ago, sure.

26. What was the best book you read?
Selected Stories of Andre Dubus

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Bird and the Bee

28. What did you want and get?
MY CAMERA

29. What did you want and not get?
I am not talking about this

30a. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't see new movies and I can't even remember what my favorite movie in general is. I saw Milk a couple of days ago and it was pretty good. It had a lot of really good shots.
Oh I saw a short film about a psychologist that I really loved. I don't remember what it was called; I have it written down somewhere.

30b. What was your least favorite film of this year?
The Incredible Hulk

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 20 and I don't remember what I did. I know I was home and with the baby when she was really teeny tiny.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Cure for bipolar. Other things I really don't want to talk about.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Fucking awesome. I have fantastic legs.

34. What kept you sane?
Um, yeah, no. Two people's voices always made me feel better in Rhode Island, though, but I was still crazy.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I would totally fuck Barack Obama.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Amendment 2.

37. Who did you miss?
Everybody I like

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't quantify people like that

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Going home is always the same. No matter how far away I am or how long I am gone, it is always, always the same. Hopefully this year I will learn to escape.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Send an explosive goodbye to my restraint"- Metric, "Joyride"

I only talk about bad things I guess I also guess I am really negative

2008-12-20T00:53:07Z

I am going to stop drinking, for one. What a failure of me to do anything functionally. I need a non-mind-altering escape but books and movies don't work and I can't sleep. Oh, and I am not drunk now, I just recognize that I am so fucked up with something I don't remember how I was going to phrase this but I hope the idea is there. I also fear alcoholism, so yeah.

I think coming back to Orlando was a mistake. There have been four times when I have been happy and none of them have been in this house. I can't be in this house. I can't be with these people. I cannot tell these people anything but then they make me feel so guilty for not so I do and it always is a mistake.

I got a ticket Monday night. I didn't know then that it would be completely worth it because that was one of the four times I was happy. It's 231 dollars. I can't afford this. My parents are of course furious and not just about this but in general to the point that I do not even know what is going on. I do not know what I am being yelled at for anymore. I know where I could be happy right now but I can't go there and I wish I could make myself happy but I am just not capable of that right now.

I need somewhere else to live but that is something else that I cannot afford. I absolutely cannot be in this house, as it is really not healthy for me. Also I cannot actually live somewhere else because my sister and I share my car and she takes precedence over me it seems.

It is wholly ridiculous how much everything hurts. I have been taking my medication, so I actually cannot blame bipolar this time.

My hair looks pretty today though.

I am ready

2008-12-08T06:03:41Z

...to go home. Currently I am taking a break from pacing my room because I want to pack so badly but I still need to get a box and I need to pack the box before my suitcases; oh god I really just want my things all boxed up and waiting for me to say when. I want to sell all my school books. I want to donate the bag of stuff I don't want to bring with me. I want to take my cupcake poster thing off the wall. I'm just itching to do all of these things and have my life packed away. I know being home won't be wonderful. I know my family is the same as always and I think only I have changed. Maybe I'm the same too. I am definitely going to miss my best Rhode Island friend who really gets the bipolar and who likes all the same things as I do. And I'll miss going downtown and fucking around. But thinking about driving actually makes me smile. I want to go to the few places that I like in Orlando and I really can't wait to see the few people that I like in Orlando (there are three that do not live in my house, more if you count the Marshall parents and animals, too). Oh I also want to abandon all of the things I am not taking with me or doing anything with.

This is what I look like on a rock in the snow.

scarrrrlett @ 2008-12-06T14:55:00

2008-12-06T20:09:51Z

If I would just take my medication consistently, I would probably be an okay person. I need to grow the fuck up and do that. I need to get the fuck over worrying that I am going to run out and just take it because it makes me feel better. I need to stop preferring escapism to actually fixing the fucking problem because that is so goddamn childish. I am so disappointed in myself.

Be a fucking adult, Scarlett. I just need to fucking accept that there is nothing I can do about a fucking chemical imbalance except for take the drugs. I know they're oppressive and it's all so fucking tragic, but seriously. Step it the fuck up.

No, I am not too hard on myself. I am seriously fucking up with my mental health here, which is inexcusable.

Happy Halloween

2008-11-01T05:35:05Z

My sweater is so cozy. I am going to this show tonight. I will make up a Minnie Mouse costume because I have polka-dot shoes and a red sweater and bow earrings. That is effort. SERIOUSLY. I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD FOR TWO WHOLE MINUTES ABOUT THIS.

Whatever. I'm pretty. My favorite teacher affirmed that I didn't overreact to a grossly misogynistic script just because everyone's an assssshole and my screenwriting teacher told me that that was not an acceptable way to comment (the way I did). So now I feel excellent about it because he is the smartest person I have met at this godforsaken school. Nobody else gives a fuck about anything. No one cares about racism or sexism. Even my friend who majors in women's studies only talks about riot grrrl music and bitch magazine, and when I try to talk about anything real it's like I am talking to myself. Anyhow, I guess I just want my overly pretentious academic talks with my friends back. I really cannot wait to go home, where people at least pretend to care about things that matter.

I'm home from Halloween and ate half a bagel and egg white that I had left over from breakfast. Really interesting stuff. Also going into the movie of my life.

Happy November. I have a paper due at eight pm tomorrow that I haven't started and will apparently do hungover, though hopefully not.

Update because you care: I am not hungover, just very, very sleepy. And have like half of the work for this thing done. I really want to go back to sleep though.

Becky: this paper's song is "Vintage People" by Eisley, if you want to pretend we share a room again.
Edit: Actually Becky, it was "Here" by Woodale, since I forwent the computer and I don't have "Vintage People" on my ipod.

Becky loves me.

Today is October 25

2008-10-25T17:45:54Z

You know, exhaustion. I sleep poorly in general.

AND THEN FUCKIN LASERS CAME OUT OF HER EYES

I am eating half a bagel that has been floating around my bag for up to 24 hours

2008-10-06T02:29:47Z

whole wheat flavor. I also stupidly balanced a cup of coffee on my bed, forgot about it and it spilled. When I noticed, I just stared at it for a few seconds, not really processing.

Secret: I will probably not wash my sheet until tomorrow. I am going to sleep in poorly-cleaned coffee spill. I will rationalize this by saying that it's off to the side.

So the lens on the broken side of my glasses fell out today. I managed to fix it, but I think that maybe, just maybe, I need to actually get new glasses. HOWEVER it did help the crazy cleaning-obsessed part of me, because then I got to clean four years worth of particles from the edge of the lens AND the frame! Score! I almost wanted the other lens to fall out so I could clean that one too.

This freakiness is to distract myself from the nauseating depression. I am also tired because I continue to over-sleep. I took three naps today. I read; I wrote; I froze; I drifted aimlessly. The weather suffocated and the music I am playing in a lame attempt to revive myself is so harsh in my ears and is only making it worse.

I want to paint. I only have colored pencils and pastels. I want to paint arm-sweeping haphazard gashes of color that sprinkle my face with splashy paint droplets. I want to be able to cry and end up covered in paint. Paint paint paint. I love how paint feels to use and to touch. I want to make a paint print of my body. Fuck I don't know.

Did I tell you about my facial mosquito bites?

I can't wait to feel peaceful again. I can't wait until the sky is so blue that I want to scream in joy. Finally it isn't about my medication. My watch is bigger on me than it used to be. I still have a dark purple (my colored pencils say "mullberry") bruise on my hand. It makes me sick. Everything makes me sick. It's like I'm reliving that month-long hangover that was April and not being able to eat and not being able to not feel nauseous. Except this time I haven't drunk anything in a month so it's all just indicative of this useless depression caused by the weather and other stupid things that are not worth so much of my time. I force myself to eat so I am not subsisting on coffee and soy milk alone. Also to get the most out of my meal plan. The fuckers at this school aren't going to profit any more off of me than thy are with their four thousand dollar housing.

I can't write this script. It is too stupid and I am too... something.

I don't think that I've mentioned that I am a total asshole in a few days. Also I am completely narcissistic. Nausea. Seriously. If I'd had sex in the past month I'd think I was pregnant. I don't have my free Plan B here anyway.

Okay I just sat up and realized I don't want to get out of bed. Yeah. Awesome. I need to take pictures though, and I think I am going to freeze myself outside on a walk just to try to shake myself out of this. I want to see my grandmother. Okay, not really, mostly I want to sit in Central Park and shiver and pet Daisy, ho is incidentally the least friendly dog I know.

If I am going to be alone, I would really rather not do it in this godforsaken apartment.

I want to be making out with someone while rolling in the snow. 1. What the fuck. 2. What the fuck else is new. 3. Too bad about my pickiness. 4. Too bad about the lack of snow.

My laptop screen is being a flaky bitch again, after self-fixing for a while. I don't want to deal with this. If it isn't covered by warranty I can't afford to have it fixed.

Anyway, I'm going to take a walk in the dark. I've been out of bed for a total of maybe two and a half hours today, which, let me tell you, is awesome and not at all disturbing.

This is me and my envelope

2008-10-01T17:49:58Z

ACKACKACKACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I am voting so hard for Obama and against amendments one and two and for amendment eight. SO HARD. SO FUCKING HARD.

Bill Clinton was at UCF today, I hear from my father, and my sister didn't go because it was too hot and too crowded. THAT IS NOT A REASON. ACKKKK SPOILED BRAT I WANT TO GOOOOOoooo. Except she had Colton and Rachel with her and all three of them were going to go, but, um Rachel's a baby. Maybe hot and crowded isn't the best thing with a baby.

BUT MAN SHE PROBABLY WOULD'VE GOTTEN TO TOUCH BILL CLINTON. POLITICIANS FUCKING LOVE BABIES. PLUS RACHE IS MULTIRACIAL SO THAT'S EVEN MORE FUCKING POINTS.

fnaonfaofbnZMOKDFOSKGsg OHM YGODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I have to go for my birth control appointment now. Actually I was going to leave ten minutes ago. Oh well.

scarrrrlett @ 2008-10-01T12:43:00

2008-10-01T16:46:50Z

I GOT MY FUCKING ABSENTEE BALLOT!!!!!

I have never been so excited in my life. Seriously. NEVER. FUCKING NEVER. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

OH MY FUCKING GOD MY BALLLOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT[o'fng\r[0bm[wprbmekthm
dfv c

I'm kind of hitting on you

2008-09-20T03:43:39Z

I just took a random remembered thing that came up and used it as a title. I think this was to that boy who is so bad at contact.

I'm sick, so that sucks. But it's good that Boston fell through then, because I would've gone anyway and been sick forever.

I'm pretty. And tired. My body aches. I need to buy food tomorrow because I have none. I missed dinner today because I was sleeping so I ate my last tortilla and some Fiesta Sides Spanish Rice. It was grossish. Very sweet and also salty and nauseating.

I had a bloody nose half an hour ago. That was fun. Probably a blood pressure thing. The nurse said I have high blood pressure today. Sucks.

I just really like that picture.

Today was going swimmingly

2008-09-16T03:10:07Z

So I'm in my head addicted to a certain guy I can't talk to, which is actually okay because it's fun to think about.

Then I think about why he isn't interested. I think it's my body. Now I'm insecure about my body. Especially when hearing about how guys want skinny girls. Because man, I will probably never be "narrower than [you]". I have humongous bones and genetic predisposition to weightiness. I go to the gym and everything but it takes so long.

Yeah, I'm doing it for me, I guess. I don't know. This summer I was feeling good about myself and since I got here it's kind of crashed.

I am trying to be my own friend like Becky says to, but it's so hard.

Becky just called me while I was writing that and now I feel better.

Saturday

2008-09-13T23:32:42Z

I am slightly less stupid right now.

I have had forty onces of cafeteria coffee slushy today.

I sat on this bench while I drank them. The second time this creepy old man with an adorable dog named Cody came up to me, after staring at me for the three minutes it took for him to get from where he first saw me to my bench. Ugh. He asked me how long I've gone to this school and what my name is; fortunately I managed to lie, though usually when creeped out I can't, which is completely strange.

It's getting red here. Be jealous of me. I can't live without people being jealous of me.

Red leaves are my favorite.

I've been alone in this apartment for more than twenty-four hours. I know where two of my roommates are, but no idea where the third went. Weird. It's fun to be alone here, though. I watched What Women Want on TV late last night and it was horrible. I hate Mel Gibson in general. He hasn't actually been in a good movie ever. OH! And I wasn't actually alone because Fish was with me. Fish is a betta fish. I love him. I wish I could pet him. I wish he were a puppy that I could pet. Theoretically when I live in a real place I will get a dog, but they are so much work and I know I'll be so busy and that is no way to treat an animal.

Um, something else.

I need ideas for screenplays. I need them by Tuesday. I am so not feeling creative or idealicious. Ughughughhhh. 8-10 minutes. This is my hardest class because it does not rely on my analytical thinking which is all I think I know how to do. I am so stupid in some ways.

But at this moment I am so happy.

I met my soulmate in London

2008-07-23T21:55:07Z

So I was on the Underground and it started! And I fell! Smack onto some guy's lap! We're totally meant to be, I could see it in his eyes and his frown and general look of annoyance. He had a book that he was reading and I sat on! The woman across the aisle laughed! Maybe she will be my maid of honor!

If only I had gotten their names.

She's been called a good girl, a smart girl, a pretty girl AND a strong girl

2008-04-22T18:38:43Z

Travesty

2007-06-14T02:16:53Z

The fifty cent theater turned into a DOLLAR theater.

Dog Feet

2007-02-07T19:11:02Z

According to my mother, EDDIE's LITTLE TOES ARE FREEZING. We MUST STAGE AN INTERVENTION.

If you were to have him stand on fifty-cent coins, his feet would be smaller than them, so that should give you some idea of what we're dealing with. I will announce and dispatch teams as they report to me for duty.

Isa

2006-12-13T18:19:45Z

You know all those things that I was supposed to be happy about?

Well one of them died last night.

So fuck life and fuck happiness and fuck the world.

Notice

2006-12-02T04:37:25Z

Saying "heart" instead of "love" is FUCKING STUPID.

Deep Conversation between me and bekkle

2006-10-18T04:17:53Z

< Becky >
feed me
12:13
» cookie dough
12:13
» through my anus
12:13
» you unicorn queen.
12:13
» - rebecca marshall, 2006

THAT'S RIGHT I'M A FUCKING UNICORN QUEEN

Insight into my childhood for you all

2006-01-28T21:17:56Z

1. you know pencil shavings make everything prettier

2. you rip your pants and instead of throwing them away, you whip out thread and a needle and fix them

3. faries and gnomes were your childhood friends

4. there's no need to research the dating history of your boyfriend/ girlfriend, you know everyone they've dated

5. knitting is not just a new trend- you've done it since first grade

6. you've made socks, hats, potholders, flutecases, stuffed animals, and sewn your own clothes

7. as you kiss your boyfriend/ girlfriend, you realize it is like kissing a sibling... you break up

8. it doen't seem weird to have the same teacher for eight years

9. you can never escape your ex... they'll probably date your best friend

10. tie dye was part of your dress code as a child

11. at least one of your woman teachers doen't shave

12. you've dyed your hair an unatural color at least once... or wondered what you would look like with purple hair

13. you've held hands and skipped around a pole, and no one thought it was weird

14. you've lived in a house without TV at some point

15. you can spell out words with your arms... no need for the finger

16. you have eurythmy shoes laying around your house

17. you've worn a eurythmy gown

18. you know what eurythmy is

19. you've had a crush on all the guys/ girls in your class

20. everybody in the school knows if you ditch class, or break a rule or hook up with somebody

21. you know not to breathe near the blue paint

22. you can play a wooden recorder

23. you can never forget your embarrassing childhood- they chose a picture of you to go on the school brochure

24. you didn't have barbies or GI joe, you had silks and wooden trucks

25. you know all the bible stories even though you've never set foot inside a church

26. you wonder if Waldorf has an agreement with Volvo to only drive their cars

27. cheerleaders, football players, and all things "public school" are not only scorned, but feared

28. you've been asked "isn't that a cult" when you say you go to Waldorf

29. the thought of main lesson book nights haunt you years after you graduate

30. you've been in at least one Shakepeare play

31. you've used the words "Waldork" and "Waldorfian"

32. you couldn't wait to get out of there, but once you did you wanted to be back

33. you don't know the pledge of allegience, but "I do behold the world" and the Bell Ringing verse are permanently imprinted in your brain

34. you know in your heart that no matter how hard you try to escape, you will always be a child of Waldorf

Yeah, except the wanting to go back part. And the part where you aren't supposed to use said wooden recorder as a masturbatory aid years later. ;)