whole wheat flavor. I also stupidly balanced a cup of coffee on my bed, forgot about it and it spilled. When I noticed, I just stared at it for a few seconds, not really processing.
Secret: I will probably not wash my sheet until tomorrow. I am going to sleep in poorly-cleaned coffee spill. I will rationalize this by saying that it's off to the side.
So the lens on the broken side of my glasses fell out today. I managed to fix it, but I think that maybe, just maybe, I need to actually get new glasses. HOWEVER it did help the crazy cleaning-obsessed part of me, because then I got to clean four years worth of particles from the edge of the lens AND the frame! Score! I almost wanted the other lens to fall out so I could clean that one too.
This freakiness is to distract myself from the nauseating depression. I am also tired because I continue to over-sleep. I took three naps today. I read; I wrote; I froze; I drifted aimlessly. The weather suffocated and the music I am playing in a lame attempt to revive myself is so harsh in my ears and is only making it worse.
I want to paint. I only have colored pencils and pastels. I want to paint arm-sweeping haphazard gashes of color that sprinkle my face with splashy paint droplets. I want to be able to cry and end up covered in paint. Paint paint paint. I love how paint feels to use and to touch. I want to make a paint print of my body. Fuck I don't know.
Did I tell you about my facial mosquito bites?
I can't wait to feel peaceful again. I can't wait until the sky is so blue that I want to scream in joy. Finally it isn't about my medication. My watch is bigger on me than it used to be. I still have a dark purple (my colored pencils say "mullberry") bruise on my hand. It makes me sick. Everything makes me sick. It's like I'm reliving that month-long hangover that was April and not being able to eat and not being able to not feel nauseous. Except this time I haven't drunk anything in a month so it's all just indicative of this useless depression caused by the weather and other stupid things that are not worth so much of my time. I force myself to eat so I am not subsisting on coffee and soy milk alone. Also to get the most out of my meal plan. The fuckers at this school aren't going to profit any more off of me than thy are with their four thousand dollar housing.
I can't write this script. It is too stupid and I am too... something.
I don't think that I've mentioned that I am a total asshole in a few days. Also I am completely narcissistic. Nausea. Seriously. If I'd had sex in the past month I'd think I was pregnant. I don't have my free Plan B here anyway.
Okay I just sat up and realized I don't want to get out of bed. Yeah. Awesome. I need to take pictures though, and I think I am going to freeze myself outside on a walk just to try to shake myself out of this. I want to see my grandmother. Okay, not really, mostly I want to sit in Central Park and shiver and pet Daisy, ho is incidentally the least friendly dog I know.
If I am going to be alone, I would really rather not do it in this godforsaken apartment.
I want to be making out with someone while rolling in the snow. 1. What the fuck. 2. What the fuck else is new. 3. Too bad about my pickiness. 4. Too bad about the lack of snow.
My laptop screen is being a flaky bitch again, after self-fixing for a while. I don't want to deal with this. If it isn't covered by warranty I can't afford to have it fixed.
Anyway, I'm going to take a walk in the dark. I've been out of bed for a total of maybe two and a half hours today, which, let me tell you, is awesome and not at all disturbing.